hawk

sgt_hatter


Hatters little home....

...because his deadjournal died.


Huh...didn't think about it that way....
hawk
sgt_hatter
Life has been progressing nicely for the last two years. Mostly in part to feeling accomplished in my school work and having landed a really sweet job for last summer. Now I am facing a much bigger sea, before I have just been sailing around the bay. This May I graduate and enter the workplace for real. I'm looking for career work, but finding that career work doesn't really exist in the private sector any more. No matter what company you go to work for, there is a chance you won't be there more than 10 years. This to me is unacceptable. I want to find a company I can take pride in, flourish and be useful within. Ever where I have looked lately I have not seen anything that promises me fulfillment.

It doesn't help that I am reading "Nowtopia" By Chris Carlsson. This book tears down the thought of "middle-class" and exposes the issue professionals are facing in the work place. They are bulldozed by their employers politics, they are stripped of their guarantees for fulfillment and eventually they burn out. This doesn't make me excited for what I have coming up in my near future.

I initially wanted to work in alternative energy, because I feel it creates a better world and that the employment would be fulfilling. So far, every place I have looked at is the same corporate bull, with a pretty little smiley environmental face on the front. "How disconcerting", I say to myself.

This is a rant, a private person ranting about the ills of the society that he must exist within.

Time to get plan "B" ready.

(no subject)
hawk
sgt_hatter
Things are well. We're going into the holiday season and stress is running high, for 2 reasons. One, the holidays (duh) and second is we are in exam time. This next week will be a trial of patience and discipline. I still have tractor lust, right now there is an International 340D for $1800. I would love a traditional farm tractor some day. I wish it was understood that I look. I don't have the money to buy nor will I anytime soon. But it is a hobby and it fills my time and gives me information I can use in the future when I do have the money. It's a strange obsession I agree but is it unhealthy? I also want a pick up truck again someday. I have a list of wants and not a single thing on the list is cheap. But all of them are usable items.

I am excited for christmas, I'm getting ally something she's needed for the past year. It will hopefully be received happily. I already know what she has gotten me. So excited, first new firearm I've owned in years. I love my baby cake a lot even though we have our problems from time to time. But it seems both of us are dedicated to working these things out as they come up.

Swallowing anger causes resentment, it made my parents break up long ago. I don't want to drive the wedge of resentment between ally and I.

Well this is getting a little scary...
hawk
sgt_hatter
 I feel more and more that we may break up. And it wouldn't be anyones fault either. We both love each other, we both care about one another. This relationship sadly feels more like a really really good friendship these days. We may be able to fix things and get back into being passionate with each other. I sincerely hope so at least.It started out with us having problems, it seems the tides have turned on the  same problem and it is only making things worse.

Is this part of my own internal malfunction or some bigger thing that needs attention?

Vent initiated.
gun
sgt_hatter
 Okay, so when we got together I was told that my past didn't matter. My history has nothing to do with our current relationship. This made me happy, esstatic, my history has ups downs and all other directions. It just seems that after all that when my history does come up she gets hurt. I can see how sometimes when I bring up the happy times I had in the past she can get upset. I don't know why, I'm here and now with her and it's where I want to be. 

My mom and step father are moving, and this has brought up a lot of emotions for me. It's the house I've lived the longest in, and I've moved a lot of times now. I had to go through and sort my old belongings out and reduce what I could to fit it into the new house. In my sorting I came accross some love letter my ex marla wrote to me sooo long ago. They were very very sweet letters and they were a blast from the past. I couldn't help it, I got choked up and went and got a hug from my mom cause it was a bit more than I wanted to deal with. I've been sad since. I think this is because I feel really emotionally tired right now between the move and other things I've been digging up. 

So I got asked why I was sad, I told her about the letters I found and how I got choked up over it. And now she feels hurt, because I got a reminder. A reminder of one of the best and worse relationships I've ever been in. One that felt like forever would happen, and then almost killed me. 

Maybe I didn't word things right, maybe I shouldn't remember my past or the emotions I experience. 

All I know is that I love my bean and I want to be with her now and for the rest of my days if she'll let me. I just wish things didn't get painful so quickly around these subjects. I put up with stories of her past relationships and I do everything I can to just view them as previous chapters in her life. Why can't the same happen on my behalf? This is past things, they don't have any bearing on the present.

I don't get it.....
hawk
sgt_hatter
The past few days she keeps asking me if I love her, like really really love her. I think I do. I invest a lot of time and concern in her well being. I help her study, cuddle her every night, hold her when she cries, kiss her every chance I get. Am I not doing enough? Am I somehow not being faithful in my love for her? Am I not meeting her standards?

What are the guidelines for love? How do you know when you're in it?

Is this some insecurity coming to the surface? Is she worried I'm going to leave her?

I want more than to be asked if I love her, I want to hear the why, what emotions are getting triggered. The cause of a question that hurts when asked. I truly believe I love her, with all of my being, and I sincerely hope that she loves me too. 

Watching people get stabbed at the M&M
hawk
sgt_hatter
 Yesterday I watched a person get stabbed. He'll probably survive and it was most likely avoidable and stupid. If you want more details you can ask.

I feel pent up, twisted, frustrated and like the threads that are holding me together will eventually fray and let go. I love Ally. I love her bunches, but tonight we got into a small tiff over how much area a chipmunk can see. We have been getting into more and more of these little fights and I hate it. I want to be happy with her, and I'm not sure if I'm the one who starts these things or not. I'm usually not mad at first, and it's always over something that really doesn't matter. What bothers me is that one, these fights start in the first place and two, that at some point in time ally tells me I'm mad at her, even when I'm not. Mad isn't the word, it never has been. I get mad when I'm told I'm mad. But until that moment its like....I don't know.

Jen and I didn't fight this way, we both just repressed things, which I know is more dangerous. I want to love ally forever, I want to be with her forever. But right now I am worried that our fighting is because of something deeper that neither of us are talking about. I hope I can find the strength to look at myself, look closely and see what this is all about. 

If not, it could mean a lot of pain in the future.

well holy shit.....
hawk
sgt_hatter
This is working out, we just talked. And it's helped me out a lot. I saw what was triggering me, all because Ally and I talked.

What a break through. lol

What is wrong?
hawk
sgt_hatter
I feel stupid, I feel like I should have done things differently this afternoon. Now I've made a cut, and it caused sadness. This is not the way things should be. I know this, because logic dictates. I sit back and reflect and see what I could have done differently to have not have caused this wound.

I love and I am sorry.

Cabin Entry 1
hawk
sgt_hatter

I've been living in the cabin for over a week now. It has been a fun and challenging experience so far. There are several things that I absolutely love about being here. I love the rustic sense of purpose to the day, water to be fetched, heat to be thought about. My parents have also put me in charge of the well being of the property until the new tenants in the ranch house next door move in. I've cleared a lot of brush and tamed the lawn. There is still more to do on that front though. I love how close to nature this cabin is, there is a stream across the lawn, and wildlife everywhere. For being just a few minutes outside of Waterbury it feels much further than that. I enjoy how much time I get to sit and think, and read, and play board games with my girlfriend. I miss the Internet, but at the same time I am very appreciative of the time I am getting without it.

 

There are however, many other things that are a little unpleasant that need to be dealt with everyday. The outhouse, oh what a fun experience it is. At first there wasn't even a toilet seat in there. Sitting on rough wood is not my idea of a good time. I have since installed a toilet seat, hooray! Another problem is the lack of heat. They have hooked me up with an electric space heater that is inefficient and its controls can be problem-matic. Then we get to the smell, that I have almost conquered. The space had not been occupied by humans for quite some time. Mice and other rodent had however made a playground of the interior. The smell of damp and rot is slowly getting driven from this place. I think there are a few areas where I should replace the insulation to get rid of spots that have been wet. The last object that irks me where I am, is the leaks in the roof. I still need to clamber up there with some roof tar and patch a few spots that have loosened up over the years.

 

I am loving this experience and have the improvements I would like to make prioritized. Now to just get my mom and step father onto the same page as I am. My mug of tea is almost finished so I figure I should end this entry at the length of one standard mug of tea. Thank you for reading. I would like to thank my girlfriend Ally who has been extremely supportive during this process and loves me no matter how crazy or rustic this experience gets.


Hahahhaa, awesome memories...
hawk
sgt_hatter
So, my friend BW and I have a habit when we're in each others vicinities of going shooting at odd hours. A new record for me, 2:10am in knee high wet grass shooting .22s by moonlight. So much fun :-D

Now it is an hour and a half later and we are sleepy.

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